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Regretroid

[Narrator:]
There was a bounty hunter
in the depths of space
And she could easily combine
your stupid ass with your face
Her name was Samus Aran,
and she would destroy Metroids1
When she wasn't totally pissed,
she was extremely annoyed
She stood up to every challenge,
no matter however demanding
And her courage was amazing,
and her boobies were outstanding
 
[Samus:]
WHAT?!
 
[Narrator:]
Uh, nothing! I was just saying that you're brave.
Um...okay...hey, look over there! Ha, ha, it's Kraid!2
 
[Kraid:]
I'm the strongest dragon that you've ever seen
You're gonna die, motherfucker,
I take up five screens3
I'm gonna swallow you whole,
and then you'll go down easy
Then you'll be digested and converted to feces!
I'll take off your helmet,
see the fear in your eyes
And your beautiful hair,
and your well-toned thighs
And your pillowy lips and...
Wait, you're not a guy?
 
[Samus:]
Is that a problem, you FUCK?!
 
[Kraid:]
Uh...no! Prepare to die!
 
[Narrator:]
Kraid was hesitating,
but Samus was set to fight
She got into a battle stance
that made her butt look super-tight
And Kraid said;
 
[Kraid:]
No wait,
I think there has been a gigantic mistake
I actually just wanted to give you
some desserts that I baked
 
[Narrator:]
But Samus said;
 
[Samus:]
What pisses me off most in this world
Is when enemies get nice
when they all find out I'm a girl
So do me a favor,
and take your cakes and your pies
And shove them so far up your ass
that they end up behind your eyes!
Stop treating me like I'm a sex object
Mother Brain's4 a woman, but she gets respect
 
[Mother Brain:]
Yeah, Kraid, you never talk to ME that way!
 
[Kraid:]
Oh, gosh, I wonder if it's because you're a huge, disgusting brain.
 
[Samus:]
Get the fuck off my planet, this is your last chance!
 
[Kraid:]
I'm gonna go ahead and slide out of my pants
 
[Samus:]
That's it, you're all fucking dead!
 
[Kraid:]
What? This room feels stuffy
By the way, do you like puppies?
Here's a basket of puppies!
 
[explosion sounds]
 
[Samus:]
Whoops. Killed the puppies.
 
  • 1. Parasitic alien creatures that serve as enemies in the Metroid games.
  • 2. A dragon who's a major boss in the Metroid series
  • 3. Video game reference. Meaning TV screens.
  • 4. The final boss in the original Metroid game and main antagonist of the series